Tuesday, October 04, 2005

So I got bored and THIS happened.

So the other day in CS195 (Introductory web authoring) I got bored. Started doing my HW on my laptop. Part of the assignment was writing a description of yourself. Bored as I was, I just went way overboard when the creative bug hit. But here it is anyway. Hope you enjoy. OSU students especially will enjoy it. Those of you who are not yet college students...just wait. It'll come.

When I was five, my dad started me down the road to being an international spy. First, I was inducted by enrolling into the most prestigious school in spycraft in London, at MI:6. I quickly learned that the most important job in the world was protecting the Queen. My years passed, and I was trained in White Crane kung-fu, ninjitsu, hyashi-ha karate, Tae-Kwon-Do and Krav Maga, the Israeli-Defense force hand-to-hand combat system. By age 12, I could defeat most of my instructors. They called me a "prodigy." I called myself Bob. It was a nice, inconspicuous name, after all. Finally, at the age of 18, I could be taught no more. I could defeat all comers in combat, and was deadly accurate with all weapons. As soon as I was finished, I was sent back to the United States to continue work with the C.I.A. I remember that first day vividly, as I walked onto the campus of Oregon State University, feeling the weight of the responsibility that I was now entrusted with. As the best spy in the world, I had been given the most important task that the C.I.A. had ever given. The very existence of the freedom we now know was entrusted into my hands. I was the head of the recently developed Student Fee Agency (S.F.A.) Dissention had been growing among the students, building as more and more threatened peaceful and horrible things like facebook groups that actually suggested lowering our wonderful fees. This we could not have. Those fees are essential to the survival of the university, the football team, and most importantly, bolstering the president's salary. Quickly I began infiltrating these various dissention groups, a spy in their midst, trying to find out what they were up to, and just what could drive them to do such a thing as dissent against our essential fees! What I found was shocking. Students were disturbed by the $100 building fee, $450 engineering pro-school fee, and for new students, the most essential matriculation fee of $300. How they could not simply adore these invaluable facets of our life as we know it here on OSU's campus, I do not know. Delving deeper into their organizations, I found out their secret plan. Soon, the students were going to push the student government into attempting to lower the fees! The horror of the possibility shocked and appalled me. I almost fainted when I heard it, but managed to regain my composure, and decide what to do next. The first step was to alert the powers that be, and get them informed. The meeting to decide our very fate was tonight! Alas, my cell-phone battery was dead! I was alone, alone and surrounded by the enemy. I knew that I had to get to that undergraduate senate meeting before it was too late. I dashed across campus, and into an air duct that I knew lead to the room above the meeting. It was dark in the tunnels, but i had my LED flashlight with me. Suddenly, I ran into laser mines across the ducts. They must have known I was coming. I pulled out my laptop, logged into my ENGR account and began the path through the SSH shell to find the remote-commands for the mines. After 5 minutes of sweating through the layers of security, I was in. I set their permissions to 777, and the red lights turned off. I was free to continue my journey. Crawling quickly to make up lost time, I finally found myself overlooking the room where the senators sat. I listened to see if I had missed the motion that held the fate of OSU in it's hands. Relieved to find that the conversation was still on the silly notion of removing OSU from the BCS, I listened intently, waiting for the right moment. Suddenly, all was quiet. I readied my laptop, and connected my caribiner to the handily placed loop right over the vent hole. Suddenly I heard some of the most terrifying words: "And now, the motion to lower the abnormally large student fees - let's hear arguments from the proponents." I knew my moment, my purpose in life, had come. Pressing the button on my laptop, the lights in the room switched to permission 700. Only I controlled them. The room plunged into darkness. People below screamed. I kicked through the vent, and zip-lined to the floor, the rope flashing through my gloved fingers. Landing softly on the floor, I came up quickly behind my quarry, knocked him out, and carried his limp body through the doors, to the waiting helicopter outside. I hefted him into a seat, where he was quickly handcuffed. "That will teach him to threaten our wonderful student fees!" I cried jubilantly. Looking up into the helicopter, I saw a familiar face from the past. He reached out a hand and shook mine, and then he spoke. "Well done my son. Like father, like son - protecting the student fees that keep our campus going, keep our football team's drunken parties paid for, and keeping Dr. Edward Ray driving the newest BMW availible." I smiled. It was the first time I had seen him since I had left for spy school. Hearing his praise was all that I wanted, and I had earned it. Encouraged, I smiled, saluted, and the helicopter lifted off into the night sky. My mission was over for the night, but I knew further challenges would come. One regime down, but there would be more. More challenges to our freedom, to the existence of life as we know it at OSU. I will be ready. I will not fail. I am a Student Fee Enforcer.

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